Pain: for those of you who have experienced this, you know how it feels to have your heart ripped out in this way. For those of you who haven't, you have absolutely no idea what this feels like. It may have only been for 8 weeks (though technically I haven't been actively pregnant for 10 days) I have had a special bond with a baby that my husband and I made. Our baby. I didn't care what gender, how dark their skin was going to be, their sexual preference, their IQ. It was OUR BABY. From the moment that egg was fertilized, that child had an identity. It wasn't known to us yet, but everything about that child was already there, developing day by day. And now it's not. Again. For the second time in a row I won't get to hold my baby one day. I won't get to soothe their cries, kiss a skint-up knee, watch them ride a bicycle or hear them call me "Mama."
Anger: I try to think that I'm a good person. So why in the hell has this happened? Not only once, BUT TWICE. I've had a lot of adversity in my life beginning in elementary school with racial third graders. This was followed by unkind opinions of my weight/size in high school and Stephen's parents' dislike of me because of my race. Then Daddy gets sick. And now this. Why?! There are people in this world who have no business having kids, but have no problem birthing or fathering children. But for me and many more, it seems hopeless. I don't get it!! As painful as the first miscarriage was, we thought maybe it was a fluke. We got pregnant again and thought everything was going to be fine. Now, I wonder "will everything be fine?" I don't know. And for people who want to say "everything will be okay" or "it will happen when the time is right" - to you people now I say "shut the hell up." I don't want to hear your empty words of sympathy and encouragement. They don't mean dick right now. Save them for someone who wants to hear them.
Grief: with my last miscarriage I remember the day we had the ultrasound, the day I miscarried; my due date will have been August 21st. I was just beginning to overcome my grief of "what could have been" a couple of months ago. Now I have to go through the whole process again. I will take a pill to begin the m/c next weekend. I would have been 20weeks when we go on our vacation to Aruba and 22weeks when Megan's due date arrives; my due date would have been February 23rd. Despite my current bitterness I think I'll make a good mom. But will I ever be able to find out? I wish that I hadn't gotten so excited about it and thought about these things constantly for the past 4 weeks. Now I will be painfully aware of the milestones of 2 failed pregnancies. And to boot, I get to watch my BF have a healthy pregnancy with a healthy baby girl. Is life unfair in it's many tribulations? Ya damn straight.
You know my attachment to quotes. Someone at work gave me a book full of them. Some made the pain a little worse, some a little better...here's a couple that stood out.
"In the garden of humanity, ever since it ceased to be called the earthly paradise, there has ripened, and will always ripen one of the bitter fruits of original sin: pain." Pope Pius XII, address, 7.14.1950
"Bereavement is the deepest initiation into the mysteries of human life, an initiation more searching and profound than even happy love...Bereavement is the sharpest challenge to our trust in God; if faith can overcome this, there is no mountain which it cannot remove." W.R. Inge, Survival and Immortality, 1919
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