Monday night while Stephen and I were on the couch watching House, I had asked him (again) when he thought that he may want us to start trying for a baby. Unfortunately, he said "October." I will honestly tell you that I was very surprised. I know that I had left the decision up to him, but I had no idea that I would have to wait another 6 months - whether it was our original plan or not. I had to ask him several times if he was serious or not, and tried not to get my hopes up because he didn't seem as serious as he was trying to portray. I let the matter drop.
Today was Megan's 12 week appointment with the OB and ultrasound. After her appointment she came back to office to show everyone pictures. Now while the crushing pain has diminished, I am still left with something that resembles envy but doesn't quite have the same bite. I find myself simply wanting that too. I would be 22 weeks and 3 days today.
After spending the evening with my parents and bouncing my emotions and thoughts off Momma, I found myself wanting to talk to Stephen about this time-frame that he has given me. I don't want to push him and I don't want him to not be ready, but I wonder if I'm going to have an increasingly hard time sharing an office with Megan knowing where I could have been in my pregnancy and seeing her hit these milestones that I didn't get to experience. I also wonder if I would even be having these feelings if she weren't pregnant (not that I wish she weren't). Would I be quite so eager to be pregnant again? I don't know. All I really know is that I want it, and I want it bad.
Stephen did mention something about how he didn't want me flying while pregnant, but I read that you can fly up 'til the 3rd trimester. And I know that we're very slowly doing some repairs to the house - will my being pregnant slow that process even more, or speed it up? And what if, God forbid, I miscarry again and again? That means that I'll have to wait even longer for a baby...while Megan has a newborn to cuddle and love.
I debated even bringing this up with Stephen. Like I said, I don't want him to feel pushed. I'm also scared to death that he won't budge on the time-frame which I know will make me extremely disappointed. Then if my disappointment is bad enough, I'm afraid that I'll take it out on him or hold those emotions inside - past experience tells me this is not healthy for my psyche. So guess what I did before he went to work tonight? I told him "Baby, it doesn't have to be today; it doesn't have to be tomorrow, but sometime soon can we talk about the October thing from the other night?". He then asked me "You don't want to wait 'til October?" - for which I replied "Well...no, I don't." So there it is.
And then...
I'm such a glutton for punishment. I logged on to Megan's blog before signing on here to write. And of course, she had posted about her appointment today with all of her pictures. I swear I want to cry now just thinking about it. This shit sucks (pardon).
I wasn't sure if I wanted to talk to you about this or not...my "public" cyber-journal. But in the end, I wanted these thoughts out of my head. I actually feel some better. Thanks.
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