30 Days Of Jessica...Day 9

A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.

I know this is an old picture, but I know Momma wouldn't let me take an current one of her.  Anyway, meet my mom! 

I wasn't the best teenager to live with (as with most girls, I'm sure).  I was overweight, extremely self-concious and often angry because I didn't look like the girls that I envied at school.  I also dated Stephen whose parents don't believe in mixed-race marriages (my Momma is white, Daddy is black) so I'm sure you can imagine what kind of drama surrounded that situation.  Then after I got married I had something similar to a breakdown; depression, some suicidal thoughts, thoughts about leaving/running away, extremely low self-worth, etc.  Some time after that, I became pregnant and miscarried soon after we found out. 

Now through this miriad of emotions and situations, my momma has always been there to be the rock that I needed.  She scolded me when I needed it, held me when I needed it, listened to me when I needed it, made me feel special when I needed it.  She came to be with me at 3 o'clock in the morning when I miscarried and stayed with me all night, rubbing my back and holding my hand.  I am near tears now just thinking about all the ways that she's been there for me...and not just how a mom is supposed to be, far beyond that.  She is wonderful in every way and I try my damned-est to show her as often as I can.

Man, I love that woman!  =oD

P.S. - Meg and I "made up."  It feels good to have things back to normal.  When I was updating Momma on our pow-wow, she made the comment about how our relationship is like a marriage: sometimes it takes us a while to talk about our issues, but we have the ability to do so with each other and grow from there.  I thought it was pretty ironic that she put that label on our friendship because there's an ongoing joke at work about us being married!  Pretty cute, huh? 

I agree with what Momma said 100%.  It's nice to know that Meg and I can talk about what's bothering us (she found this blog and misinterpreted some things I wrote...I know, I know; I should have seen it coming), clear the air to make our friendship stronger by accepting it and moving forward.  I know a lot of people don't understand our relationship (I guess it's all the drama) but I don't really give a damn.



30 Days Of Jessica...Day 8

A picture of your future spouse.

Obviously Stephen isn't my "future" spouse...although, given the opportunity I would marry him all over again! 



30 Days Of Jessica...Day 7

A picture of the person you do the most crazy things with.

Not the most flattering picture in the world, but hey.  I feel like it exemplifies a little about what this entry is supposed to be about.

That's "The Megan" and I tubing (duh) at Hyco Lake a couple of years ago.  Believe it or not, that's my first time tubing (sheltered, I know).  I know that tubing is pretty low on the "crazy things" list but I'm a pretty boring person.  Either way, since we've been friends we've had a lot of "firsts" together: from weddings, tubing, wake-boarding, 2 pregnancies, 1 miscarriage, fights with the hubbies, her LPN graduation when her family couldn't be here, to dreams about being pregnant at the same time and starting a business together. 

Megan and I have had a few problems since we've been friends...some of which you've gotten a glimpse of since I began this blog.  But I am proud to say that we've stuck it out.  Our friendship has evolved, I think, over the past couple of years - we are not quite the giggly girls planning a wedding or out shopping every other weekend we used to be.  Don't get me wrong, there's still plenty of giggles and shopping, but it's more an afterthought than it used to be. 

Megan being pregnant seems to be our biggest "problem" yet.  Now as I've mentioned before I'm not angry at her for being pregnant; I am abundantly happy for her and derive great joy out of buying things for my God-child (that is a self-appointed title, by the way).  But I have also admitted before that my wound is still fresh and it hurts sometimes to see her rubbing her baby bump or see her post pictures and comments on Facebook.  This last part comes at great embarrassment for me because it makes me think that I'm not as strong as I had hoped to be.  But even more than that, I'm scared as hell that she'll catch wind of it because with all my heart I do NOT want her feeling guilty for such a blessing.  And I hate that we've become more distant since all of this began but I know that we both play a part in it.  Knowing Meg like I do, I wonder if she does feel a little guilty sometimes or if she senses my withdrawal and responds in kind.  I guess I'll never know for sure until she or I broach the subject.  Obviously, I'm reluctant to do so.  She'll probably get really angry, then sad and threaten or declare that she wants to move back to Minnesota and then give me the silent treatment/cold shoulder.  Don't get me wrong, I know that she'll find this blog one day (if she hasn't already) but hopefully she'll know me enough and have enough faith in me to know that my feelings for her and our friendship haven't changed. 

Megan, when or if you ever read this I want you to know that you are still one the best friends I've ever had and I love you...and my piglet! *wink*

P.S. - I know this entry will probably get me in trouble (I can feel it) but it does give me a sense of relief to talk this out.  I swear though, I need to find something else to talk about!  Good grief...

30 Days Of Jessica...Day 6

A picture that makes you laugh.

I wasn't an avid watcher of MADtv; most of the skits didn't amuse me like most people.  But I always thought Michael McDonald and Mo Collins were hilarious! 



Mommy and Me time...

Sitting here with Momma for my normal Friday-night dinner date.  With Nathan working now, it's usually just her and I.  Tonight we were talking about the meaning of Good Friday, Easter Sunday and the origin of Easter.  Although we both pretty much knew the answers, I google'd to see what we could find:

Good Friday is the Friday immediately preceding Easter Sunday. It is celebrated traditionally as the day on which Jesus was crucified. If you are interested in a study of the issue, please see our article that discusses the various views on which day Jesus was crucified. Assuming that Jesus was crucified and died on a Friday, should Christians remember Jesus' death by celebrating Good Friday?

Why is Good Friday referred to as “good”? What the Jewish authorities and Romans did to Jesus was definitely not good (see Matthew chapters 26-27). However, the results of Christ’s death are very good! Romans 5:8, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” First Peter 3:18 tells us, “For Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. He was put to death in the body but made alive by the Spirit.”

The Bible makes it clear that Jesus was resurrected on the first day of the week, Sunday (Matthew 28:1; Mark 16:2,9; Luke 24:1; John 20:1,19). Jesus' resurrection is most worthy of being celebrated (see 1 Corinthians 15). While it is appropriate for Jesus' resurrection to be celebrated on a Sunday, the day on which Jesus' resurrection is celebrated should not be referred to as Easter. Easter has nothing to do with Jesus' resurrection on a Sunday.

The origins of Easter are rooted in European traditions. The name Easter comes from a pagan figure called Eastre (or Eostre) who was celebrated as the goddess of spring by the Saxons of Northern Europe. A festival called Eastre was held during the spring equinox by these people to honor her. The goddess Eastre’s earthly symbol was the rabbit, which was also known as a symbol of fertility. Originally, there were some very pagan (and sometimes utterly evil) practices that went along with the celebration. Today, Easter is almost a completely commercialized holiday, with all the focus on Easter eggs and the Easter bunny being remnants of the goddess worship.

In the Christian faith, Easter has come to mean the celebration of the resurrection of Christ three days after His crucifixion. It is the oldest Christian holiday and the most important day of the church year because of the significance of the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus Christ, the events upon which Christianity is based. Easter Sunday is preceded by the season of Lent, a 40-day period of fasting and repentance culminating in Holy Week and followed by a 50-day Easter season that stretches from Easter to Pentecost. ~ http://www.gotquestions.org/

We then began talking about Tyler Perry's newest movie "Madea's Big Happy Family" though we watched it in the play version on DVD.  I think that I like that version better because Tyler Perry/Madea goes off-script some.  Anyway, the message was a powerful one and I thought the message about material possessions and the real meanings of life, happiness and family shouldn't be centered around them was of particular importance to today's generation.  I wish that I could have shared it with some of my friends at work, but I'm not sure that the message would have been accepted, especially it's method.  Either way, to those few who may or may not read this blog you should watch it ASAP. 

There are other things that I wish I could discuss with you, but unfortunately, the World Wide Web is a little bit too big of an audience to air ALL of my laundry.  Just know this, I'm working on myself, my life and the things that are supposed to make me happy.  Wish me luck!

Crazy day...

This day began crazy...

Leslie and I were walking in to the office this morning and Shana (from the lab) stopped me and pointed to small child no more than 2-3 years old sitting in the back seat of an older car.  No one was in there with him, the windows were down and the car was crowded like one belonging to a hoarder.  Shana said that the mom told her son that she'll "be back in a little while."  We stood there for a few minutes when I decided that we should get the license plate number and get the switch-board to page the mother.  As I was walking around the back of the car, here came the momma our the door telling me "Please don't do that!"  We all just looked at her because we didn't know what exactly she was talking about...there was no room in that car for more than it's 2 passengers.  "I was just went in to get this letter!"  I said, "Well we were worried."  She then said something inaudible as she began to climb back in the car.  I tell ya, someone could have taken that baby or he could have maneuvered out of his seat to get out the car.  Now a momma should know better than leaving her child unattended in such a dangerous situation!

And ended crazy...

A few of us were walking out together after work when Jennifer mentioned a delivery truck at lunch time possibly hitting a car parked at the corner of the background behind the office.  She thought that it was Megan's at first (both cars are red).  Anyway, Jennifer was sitting in her van reading during lunch (she gets to park near the office because of her late pregnancy) when she heard a loud scratching sound.  The truck stopped, the driver got out then left.  So we walked down to the car and saw that it was TORE UP!  The driver side headlight was busted, the fender jacked up so much that it wasn't drivable.  We wrote down the plate number and went on a mission to find the owner.  I called the lab in the basement.  Not there.  Chan went to Primary Care on the 1st floor.  Not there either.  GI on the third floor was already closed so we headed to 4th floor Endo.  And there were a bunch of nurses standing there; the one closest to us the owner of the car.  We hated to tell her about her car, but none of us wanted her to leave and not have a ride home when she found it.  Besides, with it as bad as it looked we thought she should probably call the police to report it.  Jennifer offered to give a statement since she witnessed it and luckily the driver did leave his name and number.  I hope everything works out for her!

Crazy day, huh?

30 Days Of Jessica...Day 5 - plus a little extra

A picture of something you love.

I didn't want to do "family" or "pet" for this entry.  The fact is, food and I have a long-standing relationship.  We took a break for while because I felt my weight was getting a little out of control, but we're so in love that didn't last too long.  We have a love/hate relationship.  *wink*

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"Two and A Half Men" is on TV (I actually dislike this show, but don't have a good reason for not changing the channel) and just heard a pretty funny line:

"Having a coochie is like having a vintage car.  It requires a lot

of maintenance and every month you have to put an oil pan underneath it."

Yeah, it's pretty corny, but still amusing...a woman definitely came up with that! 



30 Days Of Jessica...Day 4 - plus a little extra

A picture of something you would like to do again.

I took this picture of Stephen kayaking last summer.  There was a demo by a kayak company at Northeast Park.  I actually kayaked all by myself, but (bless his heart) Stephen thought he was taking my picture when he wasn't really doing a darn thing.  One of the drawbacks of being a woman...under most circumstances we are the ones who always handle the camera.

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I want apologize for my last entry.  I was depressed and upset.  It was a sad day for me and one that I am not particularly proud of.  I realize that "my time will come" (I'm actually very tired of hearing that) but everyone can't be strong all the time, right?  Right.  Anyway, I am happy to report that I'm back to my normal, bratty self!

Until next time... 

A crap-tastic dilemma...

Monday night while Stephen and I were on the couch watching House, I had asked him (again) when he thought that he may want us to start trying for a baby.  Unfortunately, he said "October."  I will honestly tell you that I was very surprised.  I know that I had left the decision up to him, but I had no idea that I would have to wait another 6 months - whether it was our original plan or not.  I had to ask him several times if he was serious or not, and tried not to get my hopes up because he didn't seem as serious as he was trying to portray.  I let the matter drop.

Today was Megan's 12 week appointment with the OB and ultrasound.  After her appointment she came back to office to show everyone pictures.  Now while the crushing pain has diminished, I am still left with something that resembles envy but doesn't quite have the same bite.  I find myself simply wanting that too.  I would be 22 weeks and 3 days today. 

After spending the evening with my parents and bouncing my emotions and thoughts off Momma, I found myself wanting to talk to Stephen about this time-frame that he has given me.  I don't want to push him and I don't want him to not be ready, but I wonder if I'm going to have an increasingly hard time sharing an office with Megan knowing where I could have been in my pregnancy and seeing her hit these milestones that I didn't get to experience.  I also wonder if I would even be having these feelings if she weren't pregnant (not that I wish she weren't).  Would I be quite so eager to be pregnant again?  I don't know.  All I really know is that I want it, and I want it bad. 

Stephen did mention something about how he didn't want me flying while pregnant, but I read that you can fly up 'til the 3rd trimester.  And I know that we're very slowly doing some repairs to the house - will my being pregnant slow that process even more, or speed it up?  And what if, God forbid, I miscarry again and again?  That means that I'll have to wait even longer for a baby...while Megan has a newborn to cuddle and love. 

I debated even bringing this up with Stephen.  Like I said, I don't want him to feel pushed.  I'm also scared to death that he won't budge on the time-frame which I know will make me extremely disappointed.  Then if my disappointment is bad enough, I'm afraid that I'll take it out on him or hold those emotions inside - past experience tells me this is not healthy for my psyche.  So guess what I did before he went to work tonight?  I told him "Baby, it doesn't have to be today; it doesn't have to be tomorrow, but sometime soon can we talk about the October thing from the other night?".  He then asked me "You don't want to wait 'til October?" - for which I replied "Well...no, I don't."  So there it is.

And then...
I'm such a glutton for punishment.  I logged on to Megan's blog before signing on here to write.  And of course, she had posted about her appointment today with all of her pictures.  I swear I want to cry now just thinking about it.  This shit sucks (pardon).

I wasn't sure if I wanted to talk to you about this or not...my "public" cyber-journal.  But in the end, I wanted these thoughts out of my head.  I actually feel some better.  Thanks.

30 Days of Jessica...Day 3

A picture of the cast from your favorite show.

I obviously have more than one favorite show!  "House" comes on Mondays, "Bones" on Thursdays and "Fringe" on Fridays.  It is a rare occurence that I miss an episode.

A great lesson...I hope I remember it!

An excerpt from Tuesdays With Morrie:

..."But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely.  You know what pain is.  You know what love is.  You know what grieve is.  And only then can you say, 'All right.  I have experienced that emotion.  I recognize that emotion.  Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment."..."Step away from it.  Step away."
~ The Sixth Tuesday, pages 102-105.

I think that this is a very powerful excerpt from this book, and one that I know that I can learn from.  I actually had my first lesson just this evening.  Somehow during conversation tonight with Stephen, he told me that he was "going to give me a baby in Aruba."  Now while part of me is thrilled to have some sort of date in mind, the other part is infinitely disappointed that he's going to make me wait another 6 months.  Not only did I want a baby because I miss what I started, but it is now exponentially worse because my best friend is pregnant.  One of the few things that I thought would get me through these upcoming tough times is the hope that I may be pregnant when she feels the baby kick or finds out the sex of the baby or decorating the nursery or deciding on a name or even giving birth.  But I let myself embrace the grief and disappointment and then I remembered what I read.  So far I've been able to "step away" and hopefully the next time the self-pity hits, it will be easier to recover.

30 Days Of Jessica...Day 2 - plus a little extra...

A picture of you and the person you are closest with.

This is me and my baby the night of our annual LeBauer Christmas party for work; the date, I believe is 12-4-10.  I know it's cliche, but he is definitely the person I'm closest with.  He sees me at my best, worst and in-between.  He loves me when I'm being a bitch, when I'm sick, when I feel on top of the world and when I feel crushed by it.  He is someone who I am myself around, all the time.

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I finished reading Tuesdays With Morrie this morning.  I must say that the book was FANTASTIC!  As far as entertainment goes, not the best book but the story, the meaning and the lessons that it teaches are astounding.  It makes me want to better myself and devote more time and energy to being a better person without all of the frivolities of life and our culture.  I have marked some pages and I sincerely hope that I can absorb and live by some if things I've learned from that work.

Right now I'm watching "Eat, Pray, Love."  I must be in an introspective mood today!  I know that this movie got mixed reviews, but it really makes you think.  I admire Julia's character for taking the time and the initiative to break away from everything that she is familiar with to take a step back, evaluate herself and her life to find something to be alive for.  That is no small feat and daunting to even think about.  I believe that it takes an extraordinary person to really delve into the makings of happiness, sadness and a sense of belonging.  I am not strong like Julia's character; to embark on such a journey of self-learning...literally and figuratively.



30 Days Of Jessica...Day 1

I'm a member of Facebook (though I'm not as interactive with it as most folks) and I've seen a few of my friends participate in "30 Days of _____".  I didn't want to do it on FB because I don't get on there often and don't take a lot of pictures of myself, but thought that it would be pretty cool to put on my blog.  Today is Day 1: a picture of yourself with 10 facts.

This picture was taken in October 2008, on our honeymoon in Sanibel, Florida.

1. I thrive off of laughter and love.
2. Reading is my favorite past-time, no genre or author in particular.
3. I am overly critical of myself and my actions.
4. I have a habit of being sarcastic.  =o)
5. I am a naturally loud person, though I consider myself shy.
6. My self-confidence and self-image are an ongoing improvement project for me.
7. I love to swim and being on the beach and have always worn a bikini, even when I was much heavier.
8. I love ice cream, sweet tea, a good burger, just about anything chocolate, ice-cold water, cupcakes, cabbage, french fries and PIZZA.
9. My fetishes are pocket books and shoes.
10. My proudest physical assets are my eyes, teeth and legs.

I don't know if I can post every single day, but I'll try to keep it up as close as I can.  I'm excited about this little project!

PS - Momma and Daddy are putting their house up for sale.  What with Daddy's upcoming surgery, this is the best option for them.  We have a lot of activity coming up with getting all of their things ready for storage/sale so I'll keep you posted on that stuff.

Bye for now!

Well Stephen and I went to the EOY banquet Thursday night.  We were late...OF COURSE!  =o)  I swear I can't be on time for anything; of course it's hard to be on time when you leave work 15 minutes late.  Jules (my director) met us at the door and immediately ushered us into the banquet hall toward our table.  It's a good thing I was paying attention because we could have gotten lost with the amount of people that were there!  Man it was crowded!  I had to sit beside Bob, the head-honcho, who had only met me just two days prior.  I'm sure you can imagine how stimulating the conversation was.  Anyway, the food was great and I had to actually stand on stage beside Bob while he read some essay-type thing about me and what I did to be nominated.  My nerves were a mess; I don't like being the center of attention.  But as Stephen and I had discussed on our way home, it is nice for a company as large as Moses Cone to celebrate their employees the way they do (it was a service banquet for 5-, 10-, 20-year, etc employees) - the banquet was at the Sheraton, the food was catered, had an open bar and the higher-year employees all received a check.  It was a pretty nice evening and it felt good to get a little dressed up and go out with my honey.

Other than that my last few days have been pretty uneventful.  I did go out shopping today, looking for a birthday gift for Leigh but also finding a few other things as well...no big surprise there.  I found some cute little outfits to go in my baby box and a couple of little things for the Megan.  I'm thinking about giving them to her at her 12 week mark.  I'd like to be able to take them to work, but I really don't feel like dealing with all the drama and remarks that I know will come.  So I'll wait till after work like the last time.  I got her a onesie that's red for Christmas and says "all I want for Christmas is my Auntie."  It's too stinking cute!  I also found a book with some lullabies in it and a little blankie with Winnie the Pooh on it and "2011."  I'm excited about giving it to her and hope that I can wait until the end of the week.  It's funny how I can be so sad sometimes but get so much joy out of buying things for her baby.  It may be my new mantra - "I will not feel sorry for myself" - I honestly feel like it's helping.  I haven't been sad the past week-and-a-half that I've been saying it.  Makes me feel good.

I'll write again soon!